Flaws & All, Part 4

Henry Ford Hospital, Frida Kahlo (1932)

The last consolation prize I can think of right now is I can get rid of the people who don't agree with that. I can walk away, at any time, from anyone whose help is not actually helpful. I might be damaged, but I'm not irreparable. I might be going down the wrong path, but I can turn around at any time. God does not believe anyone is hopeless.

I was however, angry with God. I feel as though each time I am about to do the "right" thing, I am somehow sabotaged. It was time to tell my mother. It has taken me a year to face the shame and guilt I caused and cause myself and I finally felt it was time to tell her. God knew I was thinking to do it and wanted to.

And I feel as though He should have blocked anyone else from doing it for me. It was important that she hear it from me and in the way I wanted to tell her. I know her. She is the woman who's approval I have pined for my entire life and I knew that news like that is devastating. I imagined the disappointed of hearing such a thing about one's only daughter.

And my poor Daddy. Our relationship has been rocky of late anyway. His frustration has turned into anger and now, I am sure, disappointment or even alarm.

But she needs to know...from me. In a calculated, sensitive, and gentle way, not from a note, a callus list she was never intended to see. Not from a piece of paper that was my personal thinking and mapping, meant to help give ME courage to say it the right way.

My Christina says to tell her anyway; to carry on just as I had planned because God is simply testing how serious I am about improving this existence of mine. And I am serious. I will tell her in the same sensitive and careful way as if she did not know already.

Because ultimately, I can never abandon my mother. For all her missteps, I have matched them, and she has done what she knows how to do. She will always be my mother, but I don't ever have to see him again. So hate on me...

And when a person tells who they are, believe them, all they say and do.