Color Me Bad as Hell

"Stronger" by Kanye West

...i know i got to be right now / cuz i can't get much wronger...

I'm following a young lady's blog. She's Black, she's a woman, and she's a lesbian, my three favorite minority statuses.

But she is remarkably brilliant, open-minded, and eloquent. I of course do not know this young lady, but her blog reveals her to be the aforementioned adjectives.

I just read an entry about her depression and her embarking on therapy. She is kind of upset about being in therapy, which I think is an interesting thing about people in therapy. I remember that I knew I needed (and currently need) to be in it but there is something shameful, disheartening, and annoying about being in therapy.

Especially when you are smart and understand psychology, you feel as though you should be able to treat yourself, handle yourself. It can be demoralizing. I am aware of the life circumstances and history that make me who I am, I am aware of who I am in a way that I don't think most people are, and I know what I need to do and the thinking that I need to change/implement.

However, I am unable to make the connection between what is wrong and how to rectify it. Emotions, especially those of childhood that have been allowed to develop just as one has physically, and those of resentment and anger, do not give a damn about intellect. I try to give myself therapy, but I don't listen.

That is the magic of therapy. There is a professionally trained person objective enough to make you aware of the reality you choose to deny by remaining "sick", burdened, guilted or whatever emotion you punish yourself with.

Anyway, after I read her entry, I realized that I say nothing about my depression, although if one reads these blogs in their entirety, it is painfully obvious. But I don't think I have ever said "I have depression". I just tell my blog how pointless I think life is.

Well I have depression. And I don't want to be ashamed of it. A lot of unfortunate things happened to me and I made a lot of bad decisions for my life. But I am/was just living my life like everyone else was doing. These (take a look at my current life) are the results. There are no directions to living. Each person does what they want, what they know. I ended up with depression (although I am genetically predisposed to depression because there are a gang of people who seem to suffer from depression in this African family).

I even cried today over the frustration I feel about my life, although the thunderstorm outside made me quite vulnerable to my own dormant sadness (not even that dormant).

I say all that to say this: I am not ashamed. I couldn't really help it but I can help myself out of it. I have been telling my depressed friends and family (a bunch of us are heading to therapy, need therapy, or in therapy in my circle right now) that they deserve to be happy. I may even believe that I deserve to be happy.

I will go back to therapy soon and I will unabashedly describe my thoughts and progress.

I Used to Rule the World

"13th Period: On My Own Time " by Gym Class Heroes

...I wish I could unzip my skin and take it off / just to take a walk / but I can't do it...

I watched Kung Fu Panda and Game Plan with my roommates Brittany and Stevara today, even though I (all of us) definitely should have been studying for finals. But, we didn't. The movies were really good and it was a really good ambience ... couches, rainy day, pajamas, snacks, and two movies.

I don't know why I thought I was going to get work done.

Not long after, I decided to come to the library. Good movies keep coming on. When I had finally resolved to start doing work, Paid in Full came on. There is no way I can sit there and not watch that movie which means I won't do my work. The Color Purple was on too.

So I left and have arrived in the library.

It could be this suck @$$ weather, but I am type depressed. I just feel so worthless and pointless...again.

I cannot understand my importance or my utility in the world. I just feel like it's time to be out. I am studying and doing all this work for a degree that will qualify me for a master's program or whatever graduate studies which will give me higher earning potential to co-support my husband and children who I will send to school and have them do the same thing.

Pointlessness. But I used to see a point in this.

I used to tell my Mom that I didn't want my life to be like hers. I felt as though all she did was work, come home, watch tv, talk to her husband, and go to sleep. I told her I thought her life was boring. I didn't realize until I was older (like, within the last 2 years) that I was 1.) being really insulting to this very hardworking, selfless woman and 2.) missing the reality that people are different and my mother was doing what it she felt she had to do/wanted to do. So who the hell was I to tell her that her life was boring? It isn't my life. She was working 7 days a week for unmentionable hours so I would have the luxury of sitting in a very expensive house, going to a very expensive school, having very expensive things and complain about how bored I was.

Isn't childhood interesting? But now I am not bored as much as I am aimless. I almost feel robotic, manufactured, and generic. Life, even the most mundane details, were so interesting to me. Now it is all just mundane details sucking the life out of me.

Hopefully, after this last exam, I'll feel better. It's looking like a 3.8 GPA kind of semester which I'm sad about. I got a B in World Literature: Dante's Comedy. And I love literature. Damn antiquity.