Home Alone, Part Who Freakin' Knows

"Nikki" by The Dream

...now your heart is broken / go on 'head and pick it up...

So Will texted me. I was nice and patient even though I just wanted to say all kinds of nasty insults that I rehearsed when the ship sunk but never got a chance to say. We stopped talking (I'm still not totally sure how he has my new number because I didn't give it to him!). But he decides to randomly contact me. It was obvious that he was intoxicated or altered in some fashion, otherwise he wouldn't have had the nerve, as he admitted himself. So I couldn't be that mad. He wasn't totally in control of himself.

However, I cannot understand why he would think I want to have contact with him. He said that when he checked on me on my birthday this year, I said I forgave him. I was probably altered. I was in Miami and you know what happened in Miami! I want to forgive him and in those moments in which the details of my life and pain are fuzzy, I can forgive anyone, at least for a while.

And honestly, I know that as a child of God I should have forgiven him by now. There are a litany of people who I should have forgiven by now but I find it wholly impossible. I'm weak for pain. I feel it so deeply, it's so paralyzing, I cannot figure out how to let it go. And it is not as though I haven't done wrong to others.

But I still hate him. I still do. I have stopped wishing for bad things for him. I only did that for a very short while. But given the continued decrepit condition of my life, as much as I want to "let go of the past", I don't know how.

And I don't know that I want to. These experiences are the kinds of things that teach me how to be less naive and less trusting, which is what gets me in so much trouble. I should know better but when I love someone, I trust them. I didn't think it would be a problem if he knew my master password. Stupid.

I just believe people will be just as good to me as I am to them or try to be to them. In the end, it wasn't even what he had done but more what he said. I know he was angry. But as time has passed, I wonder why that is the emotion he had. You don't know what I'm talking about but if I had a friend in the shape that I was in, anger would have been my least likely expressed emotion.

When I was "loco", Gwenny and Christina were willing to put our friendship on the line to ensure my health and safety. They knew it was possible that I would not want to be their friend anymore after they brought my situation to light, but it was worth it to save my life.

For that reason, I have always been confused by his reaction. I have remained furious about it. When all was said and done, the ego I fear in every man spoke up for him instead of the caring, loving person I knew, a person who seemed to really love me unconditionally.

The situation between Will and I has dulled the light I used to see in people. I am afraid now, most of the time, around new people. And I don't want to introduce new people into my life. It seems more trouble than it is worth.

There is a solid circle of people who have never swayed, never left, never really disappointed. I have resolved that they are all I need.

I still love people. I am still outgoing. But I am guarded. Sometimes I am sad because I wonder about the interesting and good people I am missing out on. Will was interesting and good to me, at least for a while. I miss (sometimes) the thrill of new personalities but it spares me of much pain. The trade-off is fair.

Onion Skin

"The Battle is Not Yours" by Yolanda Adams

I wrote this long, long, long entry on Magic Woman. My mother is a problem. I feel like an idiot, a loser, and useless for still being in this predicament with her. But I shouldn't. She is my family. Family demands so much of a person in so many ways. So of course, I am still heavily involved and disturbed by the interactions with my family.
But now I feel like I'm free. Despite all the crying, the shaking, and the fear of breaking with reality, I felt something else, something pleasant. It is difficult to describe but I literally felt something turn off in my chest, my soul, my mind, somewhere. I just felt something turn off, I stopped crying, I stopped shaking, the fever died down, and I felt lifted.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I am angry. I want to hate her but I don't love anyone else in the world like I do her. I want to call and yell at her. I want to call and tell her it is okay. It's fine.

And I feel free. Somehow, it doesn't matter anymore. It's like I quit a really horrible job and I'm not too worried about finding another one. I guess I was trying to make a relationship with her. I was trying to get to the point where I could tell her my grievances about some of the things she did and explain some of the things I did.

Now there is nothing to maintain, fix, develop, or renew with her. She cut me loose and I'm going to fly like paper. I don't weigh anything. I can look in the mirror and be fine. There will be no crying or lamenting. Not in my mirror at least.