RSS
Showing posts with label Outside In. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Outside In. Show all posts

Dented Armor




Inspired by Fitting Accidents


Broken.
The state in which you found me.
I was battered and bruised
and zoned out and in u zoned.
On broken.
The answers I didn't have,you had.
The self loathing thoughts I
punished myself with,
you took my rights to and
at times you set me free
The new growth my healing brought,
you believed in almost as hard as i believed in it.
It was too good to be true.
Then I found true not at all to be you.
After copping your emotional field,
you've become another dent in my shield.
_________

This is an example of how language connects us. My blog entry about my broken heartedness (Fitting Accidents) reverberated with someone else. My language spoke to someone else as if it wasn't words talking but our pains talking. She understood how I felt from my words alone. And I didn't think that was possible.

I thought that language was miraculous but inadequate and I think now, she isn't as inadequate as I thought.

Her poem is just so beautiful. She answered my words with more words and I feel like she told me how I felt better than I told myself. I even forget my heartache to remember hers and I'd like to inform you of something madam.

The dents in your shield do not make it any less functional. And eventually, you will be equipped with what you need to strengthen your shield again. And hopefully after that, you'll find a place in which you are remade with indestructable material and shield will no longer be necessary.

Tap Water

"You Made a Fool of Me" by Me'Shell Ndegeocello

...I've allowed you to make me feel...I feel so dumb / What kind of fool am I? / You so easily set me aside...

I've come to realize that being one of the King's Kids comes with special privileges and protections. God is not one to allow his chosen people to be messed with, hurt, humiliated, trampled upon, beaten, harrassed, and/or disrespected without consequence.
___
Other people are important. I read an entry on the blog of a blogger who I follow about forgiveness and God. It was hard to read and it even made me cry. I want to be angry. Honestly, anger is fulfilling and comforting in a way that just makes me want to keep eating anger. But anger is fattening and I cannot live on it.
__________
I once read that anger is one of the most dangerous of our emotional indulgences. It is usually borne of our desire for some reward. When one becomes angry, he or she wants some kind of acknowledgment, which is the reward. We want someone to apologize, admit a wrong was done, have something corrected in order for our anger to subside.
__________
But I have come to understand that such a thing is not always possible. I cannot wait for the person I am angry with to correct the situation. I have to let it go. And as Suga said in the quote above, as I a child of God, I will be avenged.
_______
And I should be so cocky, shouldn't I? To forget about God's power and think that I could avenge the breaking of my own heart better than God.
__________
I should already know this. I am not stupid and I should know better than to hang on to such a thing but everytime something happens to me, I must be reminded about God's grandiosity. I always want to hang onto the pain and the frustration and no one is making me. I don't see him anymore. I don't talk to him anymore. I just hang onto the situation in my head such that the pain is as fresh as the day it all happened.
__________
So I am going to pray that I can forgive. I will move on and let God pay him back, with interest, for the grief that he caused me.