Sometimes Love Takes a Long Time

"I Cry" by Anthony Hamilton

...oh girl I cry / these tears that I shed are the trails to bring you home...

I have taken to calling the House. I check on Lima Bean, mostly, and have interesting conversation with my Pops. My Daddy and I have always had the most interesting, stimulating, informative conversations for as long as I can remember.

The man is remarkably genius. Can't nobody tell me nothin' about my Daddy. He instilled in my this love of learning; this understanding that all the subjects (math, science, liberal arts) are all connected. They are not as rigidly compartmentalized as we would like to think.

Knowledge comes full circle. He also taught me that literally, the more you learn, the more you realize you know very little. Knowledge just doesn't make you knowledgeable, but sophisticates you enough to see how much there is in the world and how short your time is to learn it. That is what supposed to make you excited about life. Scurry, mice, for the nourishing cheese that is knowledge.

Like a Rock

"No Diggity" by Blackstreet

...I like the way you work it / No diggity / I'm 'bout to bag it up...

I found and read an article on www.CNN.com about a young boy with autism who was lost at sea with his father. I identified with all the things the father spoke about(click here to read it). The father kept track of his son as the boy drifted farther and farther away by reciting lines from Disney movies his son loved. (They were both rescued and survived).

My brother has autism and I often shout out beginning lines of catch phrases from different shows and movies he likes for him to complete them. He always laughs when I begin them. He understands it as a game and he loves it. I thought it was so cool that someone else does that with the child with autism that he loves.

It is a strange affinity. I love him because he is my brother. I love him because he is sick and I think if he knows he is loved, he can do much better than if he didn't know. I feel like I have to protect him, defend him, and save him from a world and culture that may not care about him.

I love a giggly, energetic boy with autism named Lima. He is the last of us to be born and the reason that we stick together, despite the tumult that is our family relationship. I was talking to Bri today and mentioned that. We go through a lot as a family and although our culture strongly emphasizes the unconditional love of family, I am not sure we would have upheld that without Lima Bean.

No matter what goes on within our family, no matter how angry we get with one another, we seem to be willing to reconcile for his sake. He is our atom and we are his electrons.

Even in this current tempest, his 18th birthday is this month and my parental unit is throwing him a birthday. Despite the fact that I don't really want to talk to them, I will definitely go because he is my sunshine, our sunshine. It hurts sometimes that the trials in my life have trumped my obligations to my brother. However, no life is without trials, so when court is adjourned, I'll return to my duties as his loving and attentive older sister.

We don't say things like "I love you" at my house, or show much affection at all, but we all tell Lima that we love him, when he wakes up, when he goes to sleep, when he returns from school, randomly when he passes through a hallway. Lima is the only thing we love more than we love to fight.

I love a child with Autism.

Little Darlin'

"Stir It Up" by Bob Marley

...it's not really about the words this time...but at minute 3:25 starts this melody that stops the earthquake, pushes your life off the edge of death, and gives the solutions an outline at least, which is better than the nothing you had before...

Yesterday I travelled to my third world democracy: the parentals. My Dad has been asking for me to come over and discuss some suggestions he had about my life.

It's funny: suggestions about my life. As if my life is some piece of unfinished art, some uneditted book. But I guess it is. That is exactly what my life is.

He and Mom think it is a good idea that I go home, but home as in Sierra Leone. I think it is a good idea. They think that I should get away from this "toxic America", and I think I agree. I am immeasurably unahppy. I am constantly lonely. My vices are my friends now because my friends are simply inadequate. My friends lack nothing as human beings or as caring friends. I simply do not care about my life enough. However important they say I am in their lives does not translate into a reason to live.

But I know that I should be alive, so I am quite conflicted. I cannot lose anything by going back home for a while. Maybe being away from my vices will help me make more and better friends.

The thing that I worry about though is my Mommy. I do not feel like there is anything to be done to get her back. My pictures are missing from the living room. I know that was her idea. My father would never be that angry. And it is painful. It is that kind of painful that chokes you and makes you cry even when you do not want to. You are simply forced to cry at even the most inopportune of moments.

Funnily, I did not notice my pictures were gone until I was about to leave. It rocked me so hard that I could not even wait for my brother to finish talking to my Dad. I had to go to the car and cry like I had died. My pictures were gone...as if I had died.

I wrote her a letter. I said I missed her. I said I loved her. I apologized. I said I missed her. I cry all the time because I just want to talk to her. And she has removed my pictures.

I cannot just walk away. I cannot just let it go and move on. She is not a mean boyfriend. She is my mother. And my Lima Bean. I have to be in his life so I have to be in her life. The guilt I would feel if I left Lima would kill me so I'll endure the torture that is seeing my mother who does not say a word to me. He is worth it and if I think of this problem in terms of Lima and not Mommy, maybe I will not cry so much.

Because at minute 3:25 of "Stir it Up" until the song goes off, I have the outline of a solution at least, which is better than the nothing I had before...

Building

Wednesday, April 2, 2008
World Autism Awareness Day

Autism is defined as neurological spectrum disorder that affects development in many areas. It falls under the umbrella category of Pervasive Development Disorders (PDD).

It is considered a spectrum disorder because there are varying degrees of it. Some people with Autism can talk, have full cognitive faculties, and physical abilities, but they may be what others notice as "socially awkward". Others have far less cognitive capacity and are almost infantile in their speech, social skills, emotional management and expression.

Autism is the most frequently occurring PDD, boasting 1 in 150 births, although children are not diagnosed at birth. Children usually exhibit signs of Autism between 18 and 24 months. It is more prevalent in boys (4X) than in girls. It is thought that something in estrogen seems to protect girls better than does testosterone, although girls are diagnosed with Autism.

Autism is getting much more media and medical attention because of the extreme increase in diagnoses. The last ten years have seen an remarkable increase in children diagnosed with Autism. It has become a kind of epidemic for the world of neurological/developmental disorders.
The key is early intervention. Watch your child for the typical milestones, smiling, laughing, eye contact, playing with others, appropriate display or management of emotions. If several of these are amiss, it may point to a problem. Therapy, including speech and social, can help combat some of the prison like symptoms.

There is technically no CURE but that does not mean there is nothing you can do. With early intervention, children can learn to read, socialize, write, swim, and much more that children without Autism can do.

And you can still have a happy family life.

**Keep in mind though, all children develop normally and one delayed milestone does not mean the baby has Autism.