Emotional Diplomacy

"I Need You Bad" by Jazmine Sullivan
...when you want it so bad...say oh oh oh oh...

So again, I have arrived in negotiation territory, and to be honest, I do not trust my own bargaining skills. For one, I can be, at times, wholly unrealistic. And two, I can be, at times, tragically pessimistic.

The juxtaposition of those two attitudes can sometimes make it impossible for the negotiation enzymes to fit in my life and do their job in making my life better (biological analogies might be my favorite thing to do with my writing).

Nonetheless, I make my offers, good or bad, always walking away feeling good until the deal does not hold up and I am left short or overwhelmed. Rarely, since puberty, has the negotiation of my happiness been close to what I was hoping for, but, be it resilience or ignorance, I still resort to the same negotiation table after less than satisfactory records.

Romantic happiness has been the most elusive, influenced by the ways in which I am damaged and my failed negotiations in other departments of happiness. For example, I am very unhappy with myself and present a lackluster product (broken me) and expect consumers to be satisfied. The disconnect is obvious but the solution is less easily seen.

But no matter what goes wrong, if it is/was my fault or his fault, whether or not I am sure I am ready to even begin negotiations again, or whatever other factors there are to be considered, when the situation presents itself, I am already drawing up contracts of expectation and documents of hope. And, I do so as if I haven't been hurt or as if the hurt did not matter.

But in those moments I was in the worst of pain, I felt as though I would never recover, and somehow, without my conscious effort even, I am reconciled and ready to try again.

My last negotiation fell apart because I was with someone who only wanted to fix me so that I could be good enough for him. There is obviously an inherent problem with that deal because ultimately I am not being "fixed" but being repaired to the standards of someone else. If I were indeed "fixed" to those foreign standards, I would still be broken to myself. I still would not like myself and I would still be unhappy. Consequently, so would the relationship with the person whose standards are being used to "fix" me.

Now, the negotiation is only with myself. I do not expect anything from him other than to listen and respond the way he feels appropriate. I will tell him when and how far I will go and I will even allow myself to be pushed a couple of inches, but I will have final say in the ending destination. In other words, I'm just going to let it flow and say if I can or cannot do something.

And if this doesn't work, I'm lynchin' this fool.