Funnily, I am not angry. I think anger neutralizes resilience and because I must move on with my life, I must pick resilience. It shocks me still, because anger is the emotion I am most familiar with, most ready to run to, and most likely to rely on.
My solace comes from a knowledge that fundamentally, I am a good person. My Christina reminded me that with all my bad decisions, my secrecy, my deceit, etc., never has she known a person to do so much for people without hesitation or invitation.
No matter what I do wrong, I can choose to do things right. That is one of my consolation prizes. Another is that there are people who love me no matter what, bullshit and all, and will not dangle my imperfections over my head in order to reign me in, in order to compel me to be and behave the way they want me to, like some people I have chosen to leave behind did.
My life is still and will always be the sum of my decisions, whether they be wrong or right. At least I have the right to make them. Depression, BPD, etc. gives no one the right to evacuate my life of privacy and does not make investigating my every move permissible. It still is and will always be my life. I exist even without you as you do without me.
My solace comes from a knowledge that fundamentally, I am a good person. My Christina reminded me that with all my bad decisions, my secrecy, my deceit, etc., never has she known a person to do so much for people without hesitation or invitation.
No matter what I do wrong, I can choose to do things right. That is one of my consolation prizes. Another is that there are people who love me no matter what, bullshit and all, and will not dangle my imperfections over my head in order to reign me in, in order to compel me to be and behave the way they want me to, like some people I have chosen to leave behind did.
My life is still and will always be the sum of my decisions, whether they be wrong or right. At least I have the right to make them. Depression, BPD, etc. gives no one the right to evacuate my life of privacy and does not make investigating my every move permissible. It still is and will always be my life. I exist even without you as you do without me.
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