When the Deaf Can Hear the Music

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem so scattered
But I think it's about forgiveness

...so India sang to me, as I have been unable to hear all other advices, suggestions, encouragements, and the ilk. I just wanted to be sad for a while. Sometimes that is how I feel and how I want to feel.

Despite all the coaxing and some caudling, I just wanted to be angry and sad. And I remain so, but at a far quieter volume. I saw yesterday, in a blueprint of my life, that it just all has to work out. It has to because I must have a life, a healthy and happy life so it has to work out.

Still, I cannot forgive. Not because I do not want to, but simply because I do not know how. I feel it impossible, although I have done it before, it is so hard. Too dificult. Simultaneously, I cannot decide who to forgive. Don't some people betray you as a form of exit? Who really wants to exit? Who do I want to exit?

I want to forgive, but my will gets weak and then I eat from my anger again and I cannot forgive. It's my sickness, my sin, my most easily identified malady.

Therefore, today I might call this happy. I say that because I at least did not cry today.