Fraudulent Behavior

2:05pm

I was sad, initially. I was sad and my eyes welled up, my skin felt hot, and my knees were in serious opposition to the fight against gravity. I should fall down.

I remained standing. I had to wait for the girl next to me to return because she asked me to watch her things.

She returned and I turned to look for a place to reread the Dear Jane email. I needed a chair to rub my back while I thought of what to say back.

I found her, the chair and she looked at me all lovingly. She said I should sit, but do not login, or type, or reread. Sit baby, and reduce your temperature. I obeyed.

Then I logged in. I opened my email and reread it. I did not read the last part, the story I was directed to read. I will read it later. The first part was too overwhelming.

Then one of my darling children texted me searching for validation or coaxing about her life and I knew I could not satisfy her so I left the message unanswered. She will forgive me.

I reached normal temperature and the salty water of my eyes dried up. Then I was angry. Then I was mad. Then I was confused and salty as hell. It is the strangest timing, I feel. Tomorrow is his big day and all my plans are foiled. I do not even want to wish him anything happy.

I too believe in the seasons. I believe people don't last always. I also believe in the idea of permanence. I believe that some people possess a stronghold over your life that they do not even realize and I cannot begin to explain, but it is there and legitimate and real and indomitable.

It makes no sense for the Wishing Marble season to be over. I never intended for it to be a season. It carries me through so much and fills me up and to give it up, especially involuntarily, I feel robbed and betrayed.

Just when he complains that one of his best friends is moving away, he sends me packing.

I cannot love like that. Not that I cannot love you like that. I cannot love like that at all. I feel betrayed and not by anyone in particular, but I cannot love like that.

I could keep my mouth shut. I could keep details of others to myself. I would do that for you. I would do a lot for you.

But you have felt the need to walk away for a long time. I am upset that you don't want to at least have a conversation but maybe it is an awkward conversation to have. I will not push you.
My every moment is filled and made livable only because of the idea that I have my few places to run to. Now, one of my favorite places, my most reliable places has been destroyed, possibly irreparably.

So, I'll buy a new pair of jeans, cut out the knees so that they can breath better, so as to protect me when they feel weak, and I will sit, my hands in praying position between my knees with my purple pumps and add this to my list of grievances with God.

And then...