Girl You Are Rich, Even with Nothing

"Player" by 112

...I'm a player / girl I thought you knew / when you started messin' around with me/ you knew I wouldn't commit to you / cuz I'm a player...

Thanksgiving Day has passed. I spent it here in Houston, Texas with people I barely know.

I sense that my Mom thinks I skip out on the family because I don't like them. At least, that is what is communicated to me by my aunts and uncles that talk to me about the way my mother perceives me.

I love them. There is no place in the world I would rather be than home, even in these times of awkward tension.

I did not call them on Thanksgiving Day. I felt bad for not being at home. Simultaneously, holidays don't hold any significance for me because I feel like a nomad. A nomad with no family.

I feel as though lonely nomads of thousands of years ago probably died earlier than their accompanied peers.

I am going to my parents' house in a week. My Daddy is traveling home so I will be hanging out with darling Lima. I can't imagine how my Mom and I are going to get along. I know we won't fight or anything because I don't do that with her anymore. I wonder if she will talk to me at all. I wonder if I will be able to resist staying out of her way.

Something tells me that she doesn't really want me there but she has no choice. I'm the best person imagineable who could tend to Lima so meticulously. I must stay out of her way. I don't want to anger her or annoy her.

I also can't hope for a miracle while I am at home. The heart in my mind wants me to hope that having to see me everyday for two weeks will weaken her resolve to be mad at me or forget me (or whatever she is doing). But the mind in my heart is trying to let me know that I am being ridiculous and I am underestimating the strength of my Mom's will and the depth of her frustration.

I hope I can resist the temptation to make a scene while at home. It's just that I want her to know that I grew up, I understand, I miss her, I love her, and I want her to forgive me.

I don't need to move back in. I wouldn't mind but I don't have to.

When I was younger and people would tell me that they could make themselves cry, I didn't understand. I was under the impression that one could only cry when in pain. And I was one of the happiest children so I could never "cry on demand".

I can do that very well now. And it isn't just "crying on demand". I actually have things to cry about that I conceal until the appropriate time.

It's usually about my Mama. I can be sitting in the happiest of moments but if I think about my Mama, I can easily, easily cry. That is what I want for her to know. That I'm not a selfish child, I just had to grow up. The more heartbreaking thing about growing up and changing is realizing how horrible you used to be. The most heartbreaking thing is not being able to show the person who matters the most how much better you are. Sorry Mom.

Should I Go

"Portrait of Love" by Cheri Dennis
...I see you out the corner / Corner of my eye...

I think I might be standing at the edge of my life, literally. I feel as though my life is this distance I have to walk. But it's made complicated by the directions I choose to go. There is no one walking with me. Everyone walks on his or her own. There are "meeting places." These are places that we all have to come to at certain times and that's where we discuss, criticize, argue, consult, inform, advise, form teams, etc.

I skipped several meeting places. I walked slowly and by the time I arrived, there wasn't anyone of interest to me to meet.

That was my mistake. So now, the sumtotal of my wrong turns and skipped meeting places is this edge here. I can turn around anytime and continue walking and make more left turns and less righteous turns.

Or I can take another step, a gamble. I could fall to my death or I could spend the rest of my time falling in love with my life. Should I go or should I stay? I'm in control either way.

Hemmorhage

"Dream Big" by Jazmine Sullivan

...I gotta dream big / cuz when it happens / it's gon happen real quick...only get one chance...

I read an article on the http://www.nytimes.com/ in the health section that was rather disheartening. It was about filial law. Filial law, for a little while, hasn't been a real topic of concern in our culture. The government stepped in to introduce programs that alleviate the financial burden of aging, such as the Social Security program and Medicare, which functions under the idea of citizens paying into the system.

But healthcare is more expensive, drugs are more expensive, people work too much to keep their aging parents in their home, and the population of the elderly is growing quickly and their needs are exorbitant. Long-term care insurance (didn't know that existed) is apparently also insufficient in what it covers and leaves many paying out of pocket or going to government operated nursing homes (gross).

The writer of the article is discussing the last months of her mother's life and the daunting task it was to get her to qualify for Medicaid, which is not a program people pay into but an entitlement should you not be able to provide for your health coverage via working or out of pocket. Her mother's nursing home cost $14,000 a month. What kind of mess is that?

The article explains this situation in much greater depth than I am able, but I had to write down all that the article made me think of. First of all, I don't want to be an adult. It sucks and I don't understand why adults aren't warning kids not to grow up. There should PSAs everywhere about growing up and having responsibilities. I feel ill-informed and insufficient for my adult years.

Secondly, I don't know how I feel about filial laws. Legally compelling children to take care of their elderly parents seems risque. It would be a noble, loving thing to do if you are able, but legal compulsion seems drastic, messy, unfair, and undemocratic. I hope that I am able and that my parents will allow me to take care of them in their old age. Despite the tumult of our relationship, I love them dearly and have grown up to see how hard they worked for my siblings and I, how much they sacrificed, how much they continue to endure.

But my parents are from Sierra Leone and want to return to Sierra Leone. It won't be difficult to provide for them back home. Everything is much cheaper. Provided that they are in relatively good health, my parents will be very comfortable while in Sierra Leone. The entitlements of their retirement will go much farther while living in Africa than in America. I will also heavily subsidize their lifestyle when they are ready to return home. I would send them back now if I could.

Nonetheless, I worry. What are people supposed to do about their parents? I fathom that people want to help their parents, have them live comfortably as they inch closer to the grave and die with dignity. But looking around, life is hard. How are people supposed to be able to do that given the cost of living? I feel as though the idealogy of this country are cracked in too many places and there is about to be a complete implosion.

Freetown, stand up...

If you'd like to read the article:

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/20/unenforced-filial-responsibility-laws/?hp