Signature Architect

"RoboCop" by Kanye West

...just looking at your history / you're like the girl from Misery...

Yesterday, I took my little sister to dinner at this highly rated sushi place called Kyoto Sushi. She has been wanting to try it but wanted to go with someone who is familiar with sushi. I LOVE sushi. Sushi first debuted in my life a week before college. My high school best friend Ravi dragged me to lunch at Osaka's before we were all to leave for our respective dorm rooms. I couldn't bring myself to try it. I did eat the shrimp tempura though.

But the introduction did something to my curiosity. When I moved into the dorms, my roommates and I went to the magnificent dining hall. In the center of the sprawling hall was the sushi station. I thought of Ravi, our pact to be really cool, cultured people, and decided I had to try the sushi. It was step one in turning into a cool, cultured adult.

Since then I have been uncommonly obsessed with sushi. I spent all my dining dollars and meal swipes on sushi my first semester of college. My mom scolded me and said that's why my guts are all remedial. Really though, I just have irritable bowel syndrome and my GI tract is lazy. And I have the curse of having a tongue that likes the taste of all that is foreign and unusual. I am the least picky eater ever.

Back to yesterday...after the dinner, my little sister and I sat and had cocktails all night. We drank into absurdity, laughed at everything, told sad, serious stories to each other that were still funny. After punishing a nice bottle of spirits, we let go of the world and went to sleep.

We awoke this morning, hurt, dehydrated, hungry, and nauseous. But the Sex & the City movie was on. I quickly recovered. She kept asking to die.

As I watched these obscenely wealthy White women prance around New York on free sidewalks and rent sized stilettos, my superficial ocean was stirred. I can't wait to do that...pile my car with Prada bags and not be too sure of how much I spent even. Then go to Ravi's house and eat fish roe for brunch. I always imagine Ravi in my rich life because we are complicated and awesome and shallow and dull all at the same time. Love that kid.

The other thing the movie did was remind me of potential. Life is bad. It isn't fun sometimes. It's hard to get through. It's boring. It's stifling. It is rank. It is tedious and heartbreaking. It is hard.

The adjectives don't stop. Life can be anything. I do believe that there are some lots in life that are hard to change. But it is always possible to change. I think my problem was, although I was aware of this, I wondered why some had to fight and work so much harder than others to change. That was my frustration. I did not and do not think I should have to fight so hard, try so hard for the basics.

However, I am guessing that happiness and stability are not basics. No one is just handed a sensible life. You are just handed a life and how much sense it makes is halfway up to you. I say halfway because of course we are all born into circumstances that we most definitely cannot control. When you get some sense and some power to make decisions in your life, the onus is on you to make it what you want.

That said, I still understand why some people don't want to try, don't want to change, and maybe just don't care. Even if the onus is on all of us, sometimes the burden of the onus is enough to remain stationary or sink.

I haven't really decided what it is I want to do, or maybe can do. I could reply to the onus and make my life sensible. Or I could live maybe below mediocrity so as to avoid fighting. I sway back and forth between these options.

In reality, I am fighting. I am fighting really hard. I probably don't feel like it because I am not seeing the change I am fighting for quite yet, but somewhere, I know I am fighting. I ain't gon' lie, this depression is a stunner but I'm still in love with my life.