Onion Skin

"The Battle is Not Yours" by Yolanda Adams

I wrote this long, long, long entry on Magic Woman. My mother is a problem. I feel like an idiot, a loser, and useless for still being in this predicament with her. But I shouldn't. She is my family. Family demands so much of a person in so many ways. So of course, I am still heavily involved and disturbed by the interactions with my family.
But now I feel like I'm free. Despite all the crying, the shaking, and the fear of breaking with reality, I felt something else, something pleasant. It is difficult to describe but I literally felt something turn off in my chest, my soul, my mind, somewhere. I just felt something turn off, I stopped crying, I stopped shaking, the fever died down, and I felt lifted.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I am angry. I want to hate her but I don't love anyone else in the world like I do her. I want to call and yell at her. I want to call and tell her it is okay. It's fine.

And I feel free. Somehow, it doesn't matter anymore. It's like I quit a really horrible job and I'm not too worried about finding another one. I guess I was trying to make a relationship with her. I was trying to get to the point where I could tell her my grievances about some of the things she did and explain some of the things I did.

Now there is nothing to maintain, fix, develop, or renew with her. She cut me loose and I'm going to fly like paper. I don't weigh anything. I can look in the mirror and be fine. There will be no crying or lamenting. Not in my mirror at least.